I don’t know where or how it began…I think it was an episode of “Friends”, but we all have them, don’t we? I really don’t have a Top Five. Mine is more like a Top Four, but with stipulations. I’ve recently added Eddie Cibrian because I could actually place a name with the face. The top spot goes to Jake. The following three are interchangeable and include Matthew McConaughey, Julian McMahon and Eddie Cibrian. Ben Affleck is thrown in there occasionally, when he’s not all jowly and big.

For those of you who don’t know, a Top Five list is a list of celebrities that you get a free pass with. I think Chandler called it the “Freebies”. Your spouse or significant other cannot get angry or hold it against you if someone from your list happens to be in town and happens to want to youknowwhat you.

A friend of ours has “The Victoria’s Secret Models” as the first person on his Top Five list. I’ve unsuccessfully argued that you can’t include a group of people as one spot on your list, but he won’t budge. J’s Top Five is always pretty much the same: Salma Hayek, Kelly Brook (who?), Jessica Alba, Kate Beckinsale and Ziyi Zhang. He has a thing for brunettes, as you can see.

But it’s different now. Now when we talk about it and I imagine that that unimaginable happens, I don’t get the luxury of daydreaming about “What if?”

Picture it:

MB [yelling at the door, whilst tossing laundry down the basement stairs, pulling her hair out of a ponytail and wiping the yogurt/animal cracker crumbs/boogers off her ‘comfy clothes’]: Who is it? I’ll be right there!

[insert annoyingly insane barking Shih Tzus and crying M]

Jake: “It’s me, Jake Gyllenhaal. The one with the dreamy eyes and kissable lips. I’m in town and thought I’d stop by for a quick youknowwhat.”

MB [climbing over ottoman, which is blocking Beans from exiting the great room, crying M clinging frantically to yoga pants]: “Hold on, Jake! I’ll be right there!”

[MB opens door]

Jake [shuddering at the sight of boogers/frizzy hair/yapping dogs/crying Bean]: “Oh…um. I can see that you are…busy. I’ll stop by next time I’m in town.”

Or this:

Jake [after youknowwhat-ing]: “That was just great. I’m so glad that I happened to be in your town and on your Top Five List.”

[insert bleating baby monitor]

MB [brushing perfectly tousled hair out of eyes]: “Oh. That’s the girls. It’s time to get up and have waffles. Would you like some waffles?”

Jake: “Meh.”

MB: “Well, that’s what we do. We have waffles and watch Sesame Street and read books. Get up already.”

See. My life is no longer conducive to the Top Five List. I’ve even tried imagining bumping into said celebrities on vacation and can only think of whether or not the hotel childcare is clean enough and free of child predators for me to even think of leaving my girls with them. Can’t do it. J doesn’t have this sort of problem. He has no problem figuring out what he’ll do if by some chance Salma Hayek gets his cell number. Momma Bean who?? I guess it’s a guy thing.

So Jake. Next time you are in the mitten…thanks, but no thanks. This Momma comes with Beans.